Please Just End It.

We were at a wedding this weekend, which got us to thinking about matches made in heaven. Usually for the city of Philadelphia that means gritty, hardworking underdogs that will play with a broken face if the damn trainers would stop coddling them.  Or just guys like Chase Utley that literally runs full sprint even to and from his car before and after the game.

On the other hand, we prefer to look at matches that just aren’t working. It’s those situations that just make you want to turn off the TV because something just isn’t right, and it’s making everyone feel uncomfortable and awkward. Without wasting a lot of time, here are the top couples in Philadelphia that just need a divorce:

Wheels and T-Mac.(Or Wheels and the Phillies’ Broadcasts altogether) 

Everyone relax. This is nothing against T-Mac. We love him and we think most people do (if not, we don’t really care). This has so much more to do with Wheels. Apparently, he is a staple of baseball in Philadelphia, but we still haven’t really met anyone that is in love with the guy. We’d rather listen to just T-Mac talk for 3 hours or better yet, give us Sarge for a full 9 (dream come true). L.A. and Franzke would be upgrades too. Literally anybody else. Hell, grab some random guy in Section 104 Row 18. Done. He’s got the job as far as we’re concerned.

Wheels doesn’t always seem entirely enthused, entirely there and he’s just not exciting. He constantly mulls over the defensive formations and then drones on about them. He typically just loves to assume that everyone is playing some fantasy ‘no doubles defensive alignment’ that he imagines. The big problem is that before the first pitch of a game Wheels is already pointing that out… I guess the outfielders are pretty worried about giving up that leadoff double in the 1^st inning… Oh yeah, and one final critique: Wheels is constantly cocky enough to sit up in his booth and pretend to get all of the answers right on the award-winning Phillies’ in-game activity ‘Stump the Fans’. We’re pretty sure that Wheels arrogantly just looks up the answers and convinces us all that he is a wealth of knowledge. He’s more likely to be a part-time underwear model (Good luck getting rid of that thought when you’re trying to go to bed) than he is to get all of those answers right.

Eric Snow and Marc Zumoff (Or, again, just E. Snow and basketball broadcasts)

(Someone doesn't look happy with their partner - Awkward)

First of all, here is the first official Sixers’ reference of the blog. Take a second to soak this in and enjoy it. It’s a monumental moment that you’re taking part in. Anyway, E. Snow is awful. We’re sorry to have to say that because the city loved you as a player, Eric. You were on the only exciting Philadelphia 76ers team of the 2000’s, but you just can’t be an NBA announcer. The man doesn’t sound like he really knows what’s going on and even if he does, we can’t tell because we’re never sure what he’s saying. If that wasn’t bad enough, there is actually physical proof of him falling asleep with the Mayor Marc Zumoff...

E. Snow and Zumoff just don’t have any fun banter or joking either (not that it’s easy to keep it light when talking about the Sixers). It really feels like the two of them just aren’t having fun with each other or the game. DO SOMETHING. SUCK US IN. WE WANT YOUR PASSION AND FUN-LOVING NATURE TO ATTRACT US TO THE GAME. You have given us nothing. We blame E. Snow.

ETN and Eagles’ Games 

That’s right. Our biggest issue with the Eagles Television Network is that they broadcast Eagles’ games. We love homers as much as the next guy, and believe us, Don Tolefson is a homer if nothing else, but their homers are tragic and awful at their jobs. The broadcasts just look unprofessional and they just grab local TV personalities that I’m pretty sure couldn’t tell you how to hold a football let alone how to throw a 10-yard buttonhook.

(Here's some help from a real pro, ETN. You're welcome.)

You’d think that getting a specialist and former player to talk on air would help there cause, but wait, they picked Brian Baldinger. Are you kidding us? Brian Baldinger? That was your guy? Another genius move made by the brain trust of ETN. That is actually the equivalent of King Dunlap taking over 10 years from now and talking about the game of football. Look into your hearts and ask yourselves if you really want that. We bet the answer is ‘no’.

We know what you’re thinking – they pretty much only do preseason games, so, what’s the harm? In all seriousness, it doesn’t matter. You were even bad enough to ruin a preseason game for us. We’re scarred for life because of your broadcasts. Thank you for ruining one of our favorite sports, ETN. You’re a gem.

Any way you cut it, these are all situations where it would be better if Daddy just hit Mommy and ended the entire thing even if it’s with a brutal divorce.